Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
