My first STD was from a foam party
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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