And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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