Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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