Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives�
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
