Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Randomize
