you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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