Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
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