i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
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