I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
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