You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
