You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
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