So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
