My room smells like vodka and shame
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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