I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
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