then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
