im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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