don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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