Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
