i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
