I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
