So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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