omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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