I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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