forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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