god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
