if i can run in heels then i can drive
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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