it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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