i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Randomize
