the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
