people are starting to question the shark bite story
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
