Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Randomize
