i barfeds in our rink
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
He? As in you personified your dick?
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
