Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
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