Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
