Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
