somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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