Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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