be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
