i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Randomize
