I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
