Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
