Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
