I am full of burrito and curiosity
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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