I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Randomize
