Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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