none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
I cockslap morals
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I miss vodka workout Fridays
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Dick very happy bro
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
