Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
