A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Randomize
