The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
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