you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
